Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Newdi Limler's LiveJournal:

Monday, May 15th, 2006
4:48 pm	I just signed up over at the American Diabetes Association website. They have this neat thing where you can browse through recipes, select recipes you like, put them into a virtual recipe book and then with one simple click in each recipe you can create a shopping list that you can then print out. How fabulous is that? So I went through and found a ton of recipes that looked really good and made my little recipe box and shopping list. We're going to try to plan a menu for the next two weeks. I started doing it last night writing down everything that we needed for our recipes. And holy moley Mike is going to flip when he sees all that we need to buy. But we're kind of bear in the cupboards right now anyway, the food that is in there is nothing we're gonna eat. I don't even know why its in there. Anyway, we'll see how this goes. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
6:08 pm	Besides having good blood sugar levels today and not snacking all day at work (I have a pot of "emergency" Hershey Kisses that sits on my desk, not good I know) I made an appointment to see an eating disorder specialist. I see her on Thursday. I actually made the appointment on Friday but kept forgetting to post about it. Sorry! I'm not sure what I'm going to say. I know that the biggest issue to work on is the whole emotional eating thing - the two large bags of Hershey's Kissables (just like m&ms, only kiss shaped) that are empty in a matter of a week - I've gotta figure out what foods I can eat. I told Jane, my office mate today, about how I can't eat the foods that are good for me sugar wise because it is what triggers my IBS. She laughed and made a joke about natural selection. But I am looking forward to this. I feel a little hope that maybe some day I'll actually be healthy, lose this weight I'm struggling with. If I have a baby now I'm going to gain at least 30 pounds at the minimum - that would put me at 235. There is NO way I am having a baby at this weight! Thats insane! How unhealthy would that be? Wow...its a lot to think about. Plus, I sure would like to feel good and look good. I'd like to feel sporty, I love to be able to run around but I just can't not at this weight, I get so winded. It would also be nice to have some tight abs. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
10:23 am	So I've been ignoring this journal because things have not been good. I've eaten what I shouldn't and said screw it. BUT this is where I have to be honest with myself and with you, gentle readers. I've eaten chinese (sweet and sour chicken), a couple of Wendy's frosties, hamburgers, fast food chicken, etc. Cookies for breakfast! Me thinks that I need to make a plan. I wasn't nearly ready to begin last week as I had thought. Ready in the way of making sure I had my weekly meals (taken from okp all planned out to what snacks I want to eat. I think I'm going to be one of these people, I have to have it all planned out in advance so I don't have to make the choices in a pinch. I think thats actually a good thing. When I went to my doc yesterday (I woke up Friday morning with a swollen right eye lid - turns out to be yet another sty coming through) I asked her to refer me to an eating disorder behavoiral pyschologist. She said no problem but then due to my stupid insurance I have to call the insurance company and ask them for a referral. So that's what I'm going to try today. I don't know if they'll be open but if I can get a name that would be awesome and then Monday I could call to make an appointment. I abuse food. I eat and I eat. And I've eaten until I've puked. I sometimes think, "I have to eat all this because I won't get a chance to eat like this in a loooonnngg time!" This happens when Mike says, "lets go out to eat to like Olive Garden" and then we not only go to olive garden but another restuarant for dinner and I just stuff my face. I always think I'll never get food that good again so I had better eat it now. My mom thinks I do this because when Mike and I were first married we were so poor and broke that we couldn't afford to buy groceries for a couple of weeks. Mike's grandma sent us some Ramen noodles and we lived on that for awhile. Even now when money gets tight I get worried that we'll not be able to buy groceries - which is never gonna happen. Mike specifically sets money aside for necessities like food and gas when we get paid. Its not the not having food part that bothers me so much, its the total lack of control I feel, the fear, the anger, the emotions I went through then that I don't want to go through again. Anyway... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
9:28 pm	Last night and today were terrible days for trying to overcome my unhealthy eating habits. These days could have been days to try to teach me that I don't need food to cope but thats not what I did. Between the severe and painful gas and peanut (see my posts from my other journal) I'm doing good not to be sitting here with a tub of ice cream in my lap and a large spoon. So what have I eaten: Dinner last night was Chick-Fil-A Breakfast this morning was a S'mores granola bar followed with a midmorning snack of pretzels. Lunch was pretzels and Lite Laughing Cow Swiss Cheese. When I got home this afternoon after spending the day dodging peanut and the day getting worse as it went on in my dealings with peanut I ate a couple of cookies but no more as I had to go to TKD tonight. When I went there I ate a mint, one of those cool mint things and I froze my lungs and couldn't breathe and couldn't keep up with the class. For dinner I ate three slices of cheese and green pepper Papa Johns pizza. I'm drinking Sprite right now and most likely I'll get a spoonful of ice cream before bed. Tomorrow I'm making a concerted effort to call one of three therapists I've got written down on paper and see if I can't get some help with this issue. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of this whole thing. To top it all off another comment was made about my clothes at work. Its not so much that anyone is dissing on me but encouraging me to buy some better clothes. I commented that I was having a hard time finding clothing that didn't show off all my cleavage. And a comment was made that I should buy a bunch of winter clothes right now because they are on sale and stock up on some quality clothing from Lane Bryant. But I don't have $300 every season to buy new clothes! Its frustrating for me because I feel like I'm being judged. I feel like I'm being looked down upon. I feel messy and unkempt and icky and even fatter. I'm just really effing frustrated right now. Really frustrated. At myself, at myself. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
2:27 pm	Kashi Go Lean is the Devil From masteralida who found this at http://www.oddtodd.com/message456.html about Kashi Go Lean Crunch. Apparently its not just me because this is exactly, EXCATLY what is happening to me. Damn, I bought two boxes of the stuff buy one get one free at Publix!!! Kashi Makes Me Farti So not too long ago a friend of mine came over and saw the cereal on my shelf. I had Fruity Pebbles and Crunch Berries. She was like, 'Do you seriously eat those?' I was like, 'Of course I eat those!' She was like, 'Jeez there's so much sugar in them...' And I was like, 'So?' And she was like, 'So don't you complain about your face being too fat?' I was like, 'Yeah so...' And she was like, 'So maybe you shouldn't be eating so much sugar!' And I was like, 'What does one have to do with the other?' I've never been really clear on nutrition. And when it comes to cereal, I may still be brainwashed into thinking sugar cereals are 'healthy'. I mean they drilled into my head when I was growing up that sugar cereals had like 8 vitamins and minerals (minerals?) and how it's 'Part of this nutritious breakfast' (Part of this nutritious breakfast? yah. The bad for you part.) Anyway, she told me I should try this stuff 'Kashi'. She said it was better for me and it wouldn't make my face fat. So I bought Kashi GoLean Crunch. And yesterday I ate two big bowls of the stuff (tasted good!) --but it really set me off fart-wise. Last night, I woke up 20x in the middle of the night to blast huge farts then go back to sleep. I think my blanket must have looked like a parachute half the night! I dutch ovened the whole room! The farts weren't stinky or whatever just booming gas-powered farts. So many! They just kept coming! GoLean Crunch? More like GoFart Crunch! And this morning I think if I was wearing rollerskates I could have propelled my way back and forth across my apartment by fart power. And as I sit here typing this I farted like four times! Roscoe actually barked back at one of the farts! That's how loud they are! It's at a point where I'm starting to get a little nervous about my fart situation. Stop farts! Enough!..... there goes another! Stop! No mo! Anyway, I'm sure they'll go away soon... as will Kashi. ok bye! tOdd (14 Comments |Comment on this)
1:48 pm	Kill me now I'm going to forgo the Kashi Go Lean tomorrow morning for breakfast to see if that helps with the gas - I'm in pain. I'm eating some applesauce right now, I'm hungry but I don't want to eat anything thats going to cause any more gas, thusly any more pain. This has got to be the most frustrating thing. Exercise: I don't think so, I'll be pooting up the dojo tonight. I should probably do some yoga because the positions actually help promote healthy gastro-intestanial..stuff. Maybe it'll help kill some of this gas. Its like the gas never actually went anywhere, just lay dormant until about 1 p.m. Help me...my arms are sweaty enough that they're now sticking to my desk...dang 80 office/90 under desk temps!!!! Can heat give someone gas? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:50 am	Day 2 - The Morning After *urghhghhh* Breakfast: 1 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch 2/3 cup of Fat Free Milk Mood: Does the urgghggh not give it away? No sleep - most likely from the diet coke - and another really upset stomach. No gas yet, thank God and all His angels in heaven. Mid-Morning Snack: 5 Rold's Gold Honey Wheat Pretzel Sticks - perfect blend of sweet and salty! 4 Baby Carrots - do baby carrots make anybody else's inner ears itch? Just asking. Mood: I'm feeling waaaayyy better than I did earlier. I ate the pretzels to help settle the stomach and now a couple of hours later I ate some baby carrots because I was actually hungry not because I thought I needed to snack. Lunch: I'm gonna plain jane it for lunch today to see if it doesn't help my stomach settle down some. I have some cinnamon apple sauce and I'll munch on some popcorn rice cakes (2) if I get hungry. I'll only eat when I'm hungry not because its 1 p.m. and thats when I go to lunch. Honestly, if my stomach aches and pains weren't such an issue I'd feel great all the time. But my stomach hurts all the time. The GenPhys says its all anxiety, all stress. Yeah, well, welcome to my life, just call me Anxiety Girl. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
7:27 pm	Day 1 Late Afternoon Update coooookkkkiieeesss....                              cooooookkkkkiiiieeesssssss.... coooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkiiiieeesssssss!!!!!!! Here is where the emo of the emosugarwhore  kicks in: After Work Snack: 2 Sugar free chocolate chip cookies (Buyer beware, cookies may cause laxative effects in those sensitive. Fortunately, I didn't/haven't had that {yet}.) Mood: Between the headache, the body odor of one of my office mates (and I think you know which one), and the insane amount of gas building up in my body I just had to have a cookie. Okay, so I had two but at least I didn't have four, followed by four more, followed by two more (especially with that whole laxative effect thing - ey-uck!) I was hungry when I got home, hungry and exhausted and headachey, and moody. I couldn't bring myself to eat the grapes I had in the fridge at work due to the fact that grapes cause gas too and by the afternoon my gas problem was causing back/abdomen pain, so that las thing I wanted to do was eat something else that would make the problem worse. I just knew that eating those cookies would make the world seem right again and lift my spirits. Well...in a way it did do those things as bad as that sounded but I still had the headache, I still felt exhausted, I was still moody (there is only so much BO I can take you know!).  After Mall Snack: 1 Mall Pretzel. I say mall pretzel so you know the ones I mean - the kind dipped in butte and sprinkled with large kosher salt. 1 Medium Diet Coke - the best damn diet coke I've ever had. Sometimes you just need an ice cold diet coke, especially to balance out the mall pretzel. Mood: Actually my mood was okay. The returning all of my clothes to Torrid went just fine, the manager had indeed let the evening shift know I would be coming and after trying on two pairs of shoes hoping beyond hope I'd find something I got all my money back instead without a fight. For Dinner: We're having steak and mac and cheese. Okay its not the healthiest dinner in the world but its gonna taste good. I sure hope it doesn't give me gas tomorrow.... (Comment on this)
1:13 pm	1st Half of Day Entry Monday Breakfast: 1 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch 3/4s cup of Low Fat Milk - which I didn't drink except for a sip and soggied down my cereal some Mood: perturbed - all the clothing I have purchased at Torrid is slowly but surely falling apart. Buttons popping off, threads undoing hems, etc. No clothes seemed appropriate for the hot day (high 79, my office the same!) and I was feeling frustrated and under the gun trying to get ready this morning. Exhausted: I slept terribly last night. I tossed and turned, woke up, tried to fall back asleep. I woke up achey and sore as if I had done pilates all night long. Mid-morning Snack: 8 Honey Wheat Rold's Golds pretzels - nummy!! Mood: Feeling blech, gassy - which is never fun. So I started eating these roughly 8:30 a.m. this morning to help settle the stomach, plus by this time the Kashi Go Lean Crunch had worn off and I was hungry again. What, do I have a tape worm? Lunch: 1 Whole Wheat (or grain, can't remember) pita 2 oz. of grilled chicken marinated in Lemonpepper sauce Sprinkle of chopped green peppers 2 lettuce leaves Mood: My stomach is driving me nuts. I hate Mondays because I'm also horribly gassy and it just makes me feel awful. The good news is that I'm not dying for cookies/sweets so far. I've drank half an 8 oz. bottle of water, which isn't so great, but at least I'm getting there. Work has been super busy so eating and drinking has been the least of my worries. Exercise: Maybe. With soreness and exhaustion I won't be going to TKD tonight but will opt to go tomorrow. All I want to do right now is go home, fart in peace and go to bed. I am also bringing back all the clothes I purchased at Torrid Friday night because I don't want to watch them all slowly unravel. It makes me so mad that that company is so easily selling these clothes for such exuberant prices and they are all falling apart. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
4:35 pm	I didn't realize just how tempting the sound of the opening of a soda can can be. When I hear that crack, pop, fizz noise and all I can think about is, "God, I need a soda." How sad is that? So I got a case of Diet Caffiene Free Coke. I got to make that crack, that pop and drink that fizz. But you know, its just not at all satisfying. Not at all. There's nothing nummy about it that satisfies the urges, the need I feel when I hear that can opening. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 16th, 2006
4:41 pm	God is Speaking, I better listen! This is the verse I got in my inbox today. I somehow believe that God cannot handle my dietary needs. Then I got this verse and I know that I've been wrong all along. I changed the Thought that follows to represent a health seeker's needs. VERSE: Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. -- Galatians 5:16 THOUGHT: I don't want you to think about an orange rhinoceros flying with blue wings. Now quit. I don't want you to think about it anymore. You know there is no such thing as an orange rhino that flies, much less one that flies on blue wings. Of course the point is simple: the more we try to not do something, the more we focus on it and insure we do what we are not supposed to do. That's why the gift of the Holy Spirit is so important. He enables and empowers us to move beyond our sin -- not by focusing on it and refusing it, but by enriching us and "distracting" us with the important things of God. PRAYER: Abba Father, I thank you so much for your Holy Spirit that lives in me and is now interceding with you for me. Please fill me with your Spirit so that my life more nearly reflects your will and focuses on your concerns. Through Jesus, who poured out your Spirit upon me at my baptism, I pray. Amen. I believe that the thing I struggle with the most is eating all those kinds of foods that make me sick or hike up my blood sugar. I know that God wants me to come to him and say, "I can't avoid these things on my own. I want them, they are bad for me, but I am so drawn to them - God help me to stay away, give me the strength to say no." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
4:16 pm	One of the things I am doing that is helping me not to snack so much is knitting. Since the week of Christmas I have completed 2 scarves and am working on 2 more. One of them is a challenge to me because its not just straight stitches, there is a pattern that I have to follow. I'm one of those people that gets frustrated easily, especially if its something I think should be easy and therfore something I think i should be able to pick up quickly. Which is pretty much everything. So this project of knitting with a pattern is also teaching me a bit of perseverance. I work on it and then stop when I feel myself getting frustrated or bored. That way I don't feel like I have to do it, that it is something I choose to do. I think that is important when it comes to getting healthy. This is something I choose to do, not something I'm being forced into doing or I feel pressured to do. I feel some pressure because my health is at risk, but at the same time I'm making it a choice, I feel empowered to do it. I'm also choosing to try new foods, which is huge for me. I'm very, very picky but I realized that I am holding myself back from discovering healthy foods that I might like by not trying something new. Of course this choice thing isn't all its cracked up to be, I could choose to not eat healthily one day. So I have to remember that whatever I do will have its consequences. I have run out of excuses, not that there were any good ones to begin with. (1 Comment |Comment on this)